New Beginnings

After my birthday, I went to Tennessee to be held. To feel. To enjoy. I looked into his eyes and realized, "I don't belong here anymore." And just like that, I was done. I was over it. I no longer saw him as my future husband, father of my kids. Those hopes were done. He was simply a man I once loved and once shared "amazing" with. But it was over at that moment.

At Thanksgiving, I saw my cousin eat his first holiday meal in 16 years. He's just finally out of the penitentiary and excited to begin anew. I watched him carve into his new life and savor freedom.

I am now at home, on my couch. Computer in lap, TV on in background. I'm grateful for freedom both the physical and the emotional.

Today is My Birthday

Today is my 32nd birthday. I can't believe it. It's my 32nd birthday. The funny thing about this birthday is this is the first time I'm not excited. I'm totally blah.

I know it's a good thing. You see, every year, I set a goal for myself. Buy a house. Check. Buy a car. Check. Go back to school. Check. Move across the country...well, that one didn't pan out. But it was a goal. This year, nothing. I have nothing. I have no goals. And that's a good thing.

I've done all that I've wanted to do. It's either completed or in process. There's only one thing that I want -- a serious, committed relationship. The thing is, I can't control that. There's nothing else I can do. I'm out there. I'm open. I hope, I pray, I'm tired. I can't make that a goal. I know it will happen when it happen. Sadly, as I've believed it would happen every year for the past 9 years, I no longer believe it will happen this year. Or the next. Or the next. I think I'm losing hope. And that makes me blah.

But I'm grateful to be alive. I'm grateful for every great thing I've been able to accomplish, and for every great thing to come. I know that he knows my future. I know he knows who he is sending to me. So, I just wait. But I can't say, for sure that I believe anymore. Maybe I should ask for my hope to be restored. Yeah. I'll do that.

5 Cities/5 Days

I'm writing this from a hotel room in Baltimore. In the past three days, I've been to Nashville, Atlanta and now Baltimore. Tomorrow is Aberdeen, Md., and the next day is Raleigh, NC. Guess what, I'm chilling and I'm happy.

I went to Nashville expecting romance and passion, and instead got a girlfriend and drama. Yeah, sometime life doesn't happen the way you plan it. But you know what, everything really happens for a reason. I left feeling a bit confused, but more loved than I had been in ever. More loved, more respected, more appreciated, more cared for, just more.

Who knows what will happen next. But what I do know is God said my life would be ok. And as I rack up airline miles, have great convos with friends and family, love on the kiddos in my life, and let God just do his thing, I'm believing again. I'm breathing again. I'm trusting again. I'm looking forward to life again. Yeah, I'm looking forward!

Can you say Wow?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I know, it's been a long time since I posted. Last time you heard from me, I was sailing away to Cozumel. Totally heartbroken because I didn't get that great job in Tennessee. I didn't get the guy. I didn't get anything I wanted, and I was sailing. I was so sad. All I wanted was to sit on the ship deck, look up to the sky, see the clouds part, and have Jesus step down from the heavens and tell me what was next for my life.

I sat on that ship deck. I looked up to the sky and...nothing. No Jesus. No clouds parting. No sun shining down its warmth on me. Nothing. But when I got off the boat, I knew one thing, I would be ok. I didn't know how. I didn't know when. I didn't know why for that matter, but I knew I'd be ok.

So here we are, two months later, and guess what?? I'm ok. My job is AWESOME right now. I haven't had this much fun, or felt this supported since I began at the company. God moved in such a way that I was able to send an email, and it is now going to ABSOLUTELY change someone's life in a MAJOR way. I'm so grateful that he used me. I'm so grateful that he is my God.

And you know, Dallas has been cool too. I found out my niece had prayed that I wouldn't get the job. She's 9, and didn't want her aunt to move to Tennessee. You know what, I'm ok with that. Because me being here just two more months has made a difference in her life. She knows that prayers are answered. She knows that her auntie is there for her. And that's what this life is about. Her mom had a crisis, and I was there to help. It's just going to be ok. I'm so grateful.

I guess that's really all I wanted to write. I'm still standing. I'm still smiling, and I truly believe that life will be ok. I will receive everything that God has for me. I can't wait! :-)

Cozumel

I cannot wait until tomorrow. I'm headed on my first cruise and it's taking me to Cozumel. I NEED this! I'm so excited. I am just praying for peace and a Word from God about what's next for my life. I was so devastated. So disappointed. I just need this to be a rebirth. A new baptism so to speak. Rest, relaxation and rebirth. That's what I'm looking forward to this week. What about you?

I Didn't Get What I Wanted

I have made some great strides in my life lately. I just wrapped up my first semester in grad school with an "A"!!!! So exciting. I cut the hair. I look sassy. I got the Lasik, and I just feel sexy. The Lasik hasn't taken in my right eye, which makes me a bit anxious. But, even with a blurry eye I look good.

There was one final plan that I was trying to enact. Operation Love in Nashville. Ready to move across the globe, get closer to my family, and find a Southern Black man who can love this big butt and a smile. I was so close to achieving that goal. In fact, just one call away. I thought I was going to get the job. My friends and family thought I was going to get it. It was in the bag!!!

Then I got the call and the answer was...NO. Shock of the year!!! I fell out. Literally, fell into a puddle of goo and tears and snot and sadness. Just shocked. But the entire time I was walking the path, I prayed if it wasn't for me, that God would close the door.

Needless to say, I think God slammed the door. But now the question is, what's next. How do I move forward? Because my professional life is still not where I want it to be. Hopefully, He will give me the direction and set me on the correct path soon. 

I must admit though, typing this list of my accomplishments this Summer, makes me feel like that one "no" doesn't outweigh all the "yesses" that I've received. I'm glad I started this blog. I feel like I'm putting things in perspective as we speak! :-)

Keep praying, ya'll!

Stay

I will never forget the last time a man told me he loved me. He was so excited about his declaration. He kinda blurted it out. When I just said ok, he was confused.

"I just said I love you. Did you hear me?"

"I heard you."

"So, no response?"

"I mean, I've known you loved me. But you loving me doesn't impress me."

"It doesn't."

"No. I mean, don't get me wrong, I'm happy you love me.  It makes me feel great. But honestly, every man who ever actually tried to get to know me, fell in love with me. If you want to impress me, do something no one else has ever done."

"What is that?"

"STAY."

He was shocked I said that. He promised he wasn't going anywhere. He had never felt this way about anyone else before, and he wanted to feel this way forever.

Yeah.  Needless to say, he didn't. Yeah, the love is there still. But, love alone doesn't "forever" make. So, I just pray the next guy beats the odds.