New Beginnings

After my birthday, I went to Tennessee to be held. To feel. To enjoy. I looked into his eyes and realized, "I don't belong here anymore." And just like that, I was done. I was over it. I no longer saw him as my future husband, father of my kids. Those hopes were done. He was simply a man I once loved and once shared "amazing" with. But it was over at that moment.

At Thanksgiving, I saw my cousin eat his first holiday meal in 16 years. He's just finally out of the penitentiary and excited to begin anew. I watched him carve into his new life and savor freedom.

I am now at home, on my couch. Computer in lap, TV on in background. I'm grateful for freedom both the physical and the emotional.

Today is My Birthday

Today is my 32nd birthday. I can't believe it. It's my 32nd birthday. The funny thing about this birthday is this is the first time I'm not excited. I'm totally blah.

I know it's a good thing. You see, every year, I set a goal for myself. Buy a house. Check. Buy a car. Check. Go back to school. Check. Move across the country...well, that one didn't pan out. But it was a goal. This year, nothing. I have nothing. I have no goals. And that's a good thing.

I've done all that I've wanted to do. It's either completed or in process. There's only one thing that I want -- a serious, committed relationship. The thing is, I can't control that. There's nothing else I can do. I'm out there. I'm open. I hope, I pray, I'm tired. I can't make that a goal. I know it will happen when it happen. Sadly, as I've believed it would happen every year for the past 9 years, I no longer believe it will happen this year. Or the next. Or the next. I think I'm losing hope. And that makes me blah.

But I'm grateful to be alive. I'm grateful for every great thing I've been able to accomplish, and for every great thing to come. I know that he knows my future. I know he knows who he is sending to me. So, I just wait. But I can't say, for sure that I believe anymore. Maybe I should ask for my hope to be restored. Yeah. I'll do that.

5 Cities/5 Days

I'm writing this from a hotel room in Baltimore. In the past three days, I've been to Nashville, Atlanta and now Baltimore. Tomorrow is Aberdeen, Md., and the next day is Raleigh, NC. Guess what, I'm chilling and I'm happy.

I went to Nashville expecting romance and passion, and instead got a girlfriend and drama. Yeah, sometime life doesn't happen the way you plan it. But you know what, everything really happens for a reason. I left feeling a bit confused, but more loved than I had been in ever. More loved, more respected, more appreciated, more cared for, just more.

Who knows what will happen next. But what I do know is God said my life would be ok. And as I rack up airline miles, have great convos with friends and family, love on the kiddos in my life, and let God just do his thing, I'm believing again. I'm breathing again. I'm trusting again. I'm looking forward to life again. Yeah, I'm looking forward!

Can you say Wow?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I know, it's been a long time since I posted. Last time you heard from me, I was sailing away to Cozumel. Totally heartbroken because I didn't get that great job in Tennessee. I didn't get the guy. I didn't get anything I wanted, and I was sailing. I was so sad. All I wanted was to sit on the ship deck, look up to the sky, see the clouds part, and have Jesus step down from the heavens and tell me what was next for my life.

I sat on that ship deck. I looked up to the sky and...nothing. No Jesus. No clouds parting. No sun shining down its warmth on me. Nothing. But when I got off the boat, I knew one thing, I would be ok. I didn't know how. I didn't know when. I didn't know why for that matter, but I knew I'd be ok.

So here we are, two months later, and guess what?? I'm ok. My job is AWESOME right now. I haven't had this much fun, or felt this supported since I began at the company. God moved in such a way that I was able to send an email, and it is now going to ABSOLUTELY change someone's life in a MAJOR way. I'm so grateful that he used me. I'm so grateful that he is my God.

And you know, Dallas has been cool too. I found out my niece had prayed that I wouldn't get the job. She's 9, and didn't want her aunt to move to Tennessee. You know what, I'm ok with that. Because me being here just two more months has made a difference in her life. She knows that prayers are answered. She knows that her auntie is there for her. And that's what this life is about. Her mom had a crisis, and I was there to help. It's just going to be ok. I'm so grateful.

I guess that's really all I wanted to write. I'm still standing. I'm still smiling, and I truly believe that life will be ok. I will receive everything that God has for me. I can't wait! :-)

Cozumel

I cannot wait until tomorrow. I'm headed on my first cruise and it's taking me to Cozumel. I NEED this! I'm so excited. I am just praying for peace and a Word from God about what's next for my life. I was so devastated. So disappointed. I just need this to be a rebirth. A new baptism so to speak. Rest, relaxation and rebirth. That's what I'm looking forward to this week. What about you?

I Didn't Get What I Wanted

I have made some great strides in my life lately. I just wrapped up my first semester in grad school with an "A"!!!! So exciting. I cut the hair. I look sassy. I got the Lasik, and I just feel sexy. The Lasik hasn't taken in my right eye, which makes me a bit anxious. But, even with a blurry eye I look good.

There was one final plan that I was trying to enact. Operation Love in Nashville. Ready to move across the globe, get closer to my family, and find a Southern Black man who can love this big butt and a smile. I was so close to achieving that goal. In fact, just one call away. I thought I was going to get the job. My friends and family thought I was going to get it. It was in the bag!!!

Then I got the call and the answer was...NO. Shock of the year!!! I fell out. Literally, fell into a puddle of goo and tears and snot and sadness. Just shocked. But the entire time I was walking the path, I prayed if it wasn't for me, that God would close the door.

Needless to say, I think God slammed the door. But now the question is, what's next. How do I move forward? Because my professional life is still not where I want it to be. Hopefully, He will give me the direction and set me on the correct path soon. 

I must admit though, typing this list of my accomplishments this Summer, makes me feel like that one "no" doesn't outweigh all the "yesses" that I've received. I'm glad I started this blog. I feel like I'm putting things in perspective as we speak! :-)

Keep praying, ya'll!

Stay

I will never forget the last time a man told me he loved me. He was so excited about his declaration. He kinda blurted it out. When I just said ok, he was confused.

"I just said I love you. Did you hear me?"

"I heard you."

"So, no response?"

"I mean, I've known you loved me. But you loving me doesn't impress me."

"It doesn't."

"No. I mean, don't get me wrong, I'm happy you love me.  It makes me feel great. But honestly, every man who ever actually tried to get to know me, fell in love with me. If you want to impress me, do something no one else has ever done."

"What is that?"

"STAY."

He was shocked I said that. He promised he wasn't going anywhere. He had never felt this way about anyone else before, and he wanted to feel this way forever.

Yeah.  Needless to say, he didn't. Yeah, the love is there still. But, love alone doesn't "forever" make. So, I just pray the next guy beats the odds.

The Silent Treatment

Nothing frustrates women more than the silent treatment. We are social beings. Communication means everything.

Now how women prefer to communicate is a very individual thing. Some of us are direct; some are elusive and petty, hoping men will figure out what they are feeling. Some women prefer face-to-face; others phone; even others text messaging and IMing. But regardless of the way women communicate, at the end of the day women want to talk.

When a woman stops talking and stops trying to talk with a man, know that the relationship is over. Period. It's done and he can't get back in. All of her fight is gone. He is no longer worth fighting for in her eyes.

When a man stops talking, guess what? It means the exact same thing. No, he's not just really busy at work right now. He's actually too busy for you.  Silent treatment means you are not on his to do list.

So what do you do if you find yourself on the receiving end of the silent treatment? 

1. Recognize and accept the situation. Your repeated phone calls, emails, IM, etc., will NOT make a difference.

2. STOP calling, emailing, IMing, etc.

3. Get your own business. Some women will delete the guy's contact information at this point. I've never been one of those girls. You never know when a contact will come in handy. Just get busy. Pick up a hobby. Reconnect with your girls. Do something.

4. Stop obsessing over what happened. At the end of the day, this was simply not the guy for you. You did nothing wrong (unless you did do something wrong). Nothing you can do can change the outcome, so, stop. You are fabulous, and beautiful and someone out there will notice. Just not that guy.

5. Don't be afraid to remain open for love. The problem with getting hurt is that you are afraid to try again. BIG mistake. Do remain open to love. Don't shut yourself off from men. They are not all bad. Most are great guys. Many are just not the great guy for you. They make the best friends too.  You never know, the next guy could be one of the ones. Shoot the guy who stopped talking to you could be a one at a later date. But please, just remain open so you'll be ready when it's time. 

For Big Girls Only

I titled my blog "For Big Girls Only" cause it's a saying that my best friend and me often repeat when we're talking about love and boys. I mean, this game really is just for big girls only.

I have been Dr. Ruth for my friends for as long as I remember. Since most of my life was spent in a relationship, and I have great friendships with men, my girls are often asking what they should do when it comes to matters of the heart.

I'll tell you like I tell them. It's so simple. Please be honest. Just be real. This whole thing is NOT for little girls. There's no time to be scared. There's no time to be afraid of what he will do or say when you tell him how you feel.

If you tell him how you feel, two things will happen:

1. He will respond favorably and tell you he feels the same way.

2. He will tell you he doesn't feel the same way by being blunt and upfront, disappearing, or changing the subject.

You have a 50-50 chance. It's a complete coin toss. Yes, No. 2 will hurt your feelings, but at least you will know the truth. You won't have wasted three months and countless of hours trying to decipher hidden messages in emails if you simply tell him how you feel. Yes it hurts, but if you find out sooner than later, it will be better in the long run. 

Again, yes. It will hurt. But guess what. You will survive. On to the next. Or, you will know how to best stalk him into loving you in the future. :-)

Love. It's for big girls only. Are you ready to grow up?

Fighting Sleep

It is nearly midnight and I have mere hours left to finalize my next hustle. Body is weary, spirit is weak, but hope springs eternal. 

Many things have led me to this moment. This day. This destiny. Can't let a little sleep keep me from doing me. Gotta keep it moving. Gotta keep it tight. It's the only way I know how to roll.

So as the Gospel song says, "99 and a half won't do". I gotta make 100. So, sleep get off my back. There will be plenty of time to rest when I get to the top.

The Miseducation of DeannaDivine

Yeah, I know it's been a month since I've updated. Yeah, I know.

But if you knew what my life has been like in the past month, you would understand that you can be too busy to blog about that life.

I did it. I've enrolled in school. I begin tomorrow. I just took a look at the syllabus, and all I know is I have no idea HOW I'm gonna do this. I can't begin to tell you how much reading is involved. Not only do I have to read, but I'm going to have to participate. I had to order 6 books! Woosah!

That's all I can say about that. I'm also enacting Operation Change My Life. I'm doing all the things I've wanted to do, but have been to scared, complacent, lazy, etc., to do. 

(By the way, no I don't include school in this Operation. I NEVER wanted to go back to school. But when you finally get a lightbulb to fire about what you think you wanna do when you grow up, you gotta move forward.)

So, Operation Change My Life. I cut my hair. I needed low maintenance. Easy, Breezy, Beautiful, for this next chapter. Up next is Lasik. Because I don't have time to be fooling with glasses for this next phase of my life. Gotta keep things moving. Don't need sweaty/fogged lenses. Working out. If for nothing else than to manage the stress. Gotta get it moving. Possibly a new city. Possibly a new job. Possibly a new boo. Possibly, possibly, possibly.

In this process, I'm learning a lot about myself. I'm learning that with faith, coupled with works, nothing is impossible. I'm learning that if I truly want something, I have everything I need to make it happen. I'm learning there will always be money, and there will always be debt, but the way I manage both is the key.

Needless to say, I'm learning a lot. At times I wonder what's stopped me all these years? But then again, I know I've arrived to these decisions right on time. God's timing is not ours. So I'm not beating myself up. I'm just flowing in the time that is now. Learning, loving and laughing along the way!

Choices

I'm learning something about myself. Sometimes, it's hard to simply stay true to what you want. It's an awesome thing to have options. It reminds you how blessed you are to live in this country where freedom is attainable. I can be educated. I can be successful. I can be. Whatever. So here are these options. And they are all great options. But what do I want? I mean really. What do I want? And what am I willing to do to obtain that? How do I allow myself to not be persuaded by the options but stick to my guns? My destiny.  I haven't figured it all out yet. But I'm getting closer daily.

Resurrection

Today is Easter. Resurrection Sunday.

I woke up after sleeping for 11 hours and decided to go to church. I've just been tired lately. So busy with life. But I decided to go to church anyway. You know what I realized, church is great. There's nothing better than fellowshipping with the saints. But you know what, I'm ok when I just praise him in bed, at home. My daily conversations are wonderful blessings for me. Me and Jesus alone is alright with me.

But back to the conversation at hand. Resurrection. God has resurrected my dreams and ideas for myself lately. I'm back to just feeling like I'll be able to do me from here on out. I've talked to people. I have new opportunities lining up. I start my Masters in May. I'll get closer to my family.  I'm just excited.

Lord, thanks for bringing my dreams to life again.

Off the Bus

I was sick for a week. Literally sick. I couldn't breathe. I couldn't think. I couldn't really do anything. I muddled through work until my body just said "no." I slept. I felt badly. When I feel like that, I just want a little support from the people I love. Well, let me be honest. I want it from the person I love.

Just check on me. Make sure I'm breathing and alive. Tell me you hope I feel better. Tell me you love me. Just general sayings that let me know you're there. Yeah. That's love to me. Unfortunately, I didn't get that. Many calls, texts, FB IM attempts, and nothing. Never heard back from him. 

You know what that means to me? You don't have my back. I can't depend on you. It's bad enough you didn't check on me, but then you also didn't return my calls. So, I'm not on your "to do" list. I have no priority in your life. So, I have to be real with myself and let it go.

The truth is, I'm a 31 year old woman who wants to be married and have at least one beautiful baby. Preferably a girl.  Being honest with myself, I realize that I make decisions to stay in situations that aren't quite right for a bit too long because I'm holding out for the dream. I WANT it to work. Because I DO love you. I  actually care about you. And, I don't do that easily. I don't let people into my circle often.  And you know that about me. And, yes, I'm getting older. And unfortunately, I no longer believe that there's just another love bus right around the corner. I think you have to be in the right place at the right time, because buses do stop running. And they often stop running when you need one the most.

But either way, I have to get off this particular bus. I have to let it go. It's taking me down the wrong path. I gave up depression a long time ago. I can't willingly hitch a ride that's headed toward destruction. So, thanks for the ride. There were a lot of fun times. I have no regrets. 

But damn, I really hoped that would be my last ride...

This Little Light

Jesus never ceases to amaze me. I mean, for real.  

Every time I get a little low. Whenever my way seems cloudy and confused. Whenever I'm just wallowing and drowning in my own thoughts, he simply shines a little light.

Just a little glimmer of hope to press me forward, to move me along. A little flicker to let me know he heard my cry.

That's why I love him. Just because with all the things going on in the world, he simply has time to hear me.

I'm in love with Jesus. I'm grateful that through his death I can have life and light -- eternally.

The LA Effect

I recently took an amazing trip to LA. 

One great part about the trip was that my plane had wheels up from a foot of snow in Dallas, and I landed in 80-degree LA weather. The sun was shining, and everyone knows I thrive in sun. I felt like I got my groove back.

I worked out with Richard Simmons, whom I've loved since I was a kid. Yes, he's a big caricature, but he is fabulous. You've got to give it to a man who is paid handsomely for just being himself.

So I'm having this amazing dinner with these beautiful, amazingly smart, talented, single black women. They live in LA. They all came to the city with dreams. They're living them out to an extent, but no one is making money. No one is thriving to the point they want to thrive. And they're at a crossroads of stay and keep fighting the fight; or throw in the towel and leave.

What a conundrum. I mean what do you do?? Do you keep fighting against all odds? Or do you accept that you've done the most you can do and it's time for a new dream? And if you settle for a new dream, will you ever be fulfilled?

I guess for me, I've got to just keep going after the dream. Whatever the dream is. It's my dream. God knows it. He placed it inside me. I have to trust that he will open the doors needed to fulfill it. 

Keep pushing ladies.

Snow Day

Dallas, Texas had a record snow day today. 9 inches and counting. The most snow ever.

I look outside and it's absolutely beautiful. 

But then I realize I don't need to drive the hour to work. And even if I want to I can't get out of the driveway. And what about that flight tomorrow? Snow is creating complications.

But at the end of the day, I lay in my warm bed, while the snow falls outside, and I realize how very blessed I am.  I worked from home. I never had to leave. My home is comfortably heated. Food was stocked in the fridge and pantry. God is good. Life is great. There is no downside. I can just enjoy the snow, and pray it melts before my flight in the morning. :-)

Passed

God is so great. Today I passed my test. My really big, daunting, stressful GRE. I'm so grateful. For the past three or four months, I have diligently studied. I prayed. I cried. 

I realized I didn't know math. At all. Like I couldn't add. I couldn't subtract, multiply, divide, figure out percentages, ratios or the hypotenuse of the right triangle. But I could study. I could pray. I could hold God at his Word for my life.

So I took the test today. And I was nervous, but I was at peace. I knew his will would be done. And guess what??? I PASSED!!!

Not only did I get the score I needed, but I exceeded it greatly. I even ended up with a higher math score than verbal score.  Isn't that just like our God??? I did my part. I studied. I showed up to the fight. But He worked it out for my good. He gets all the praise.

Faith without works is dead. Faith with works is a miracle!

Drinking the Kool-Aid

I hate people telling me what I can't do. I hate when people tell me their method is the only method. It's like they're drinking their own Kool-Aid. They can't see anything different than their walk, their method, their journey.

The cool thing about it is that God is a very personal God. His principles are the same, but he applies them differently to each one of his kids. It's a fact that he's a loving God, but he shows love differently to me than he does to you.

With that said, why do you think I have to walk just like you walked??

I'm so grateful that with him in my corner, I can walk, trot, jog, run, straight, zigzag, jump over, roll under, whatever he tells me to do. And through my obedience, his will will be done. I'm so excited. 

My journey won't be yours. It will be mine alone. So stop trying to make me walk like you. Just sit back and watch God. His glory will be revealed.

Decide

I have decided what I want to do in this next phase of my life. 

Let me clarify.

I decided. Then, I freaked out because it's so big. I thought I was crazy for deciding that. I let the naysayers and commenters affect my decision. I backed away from the decision. I downplayed the decision. I questioned the decision. I prayed against the decision. I asked God to take the decision and the desire away. I was scared.

But then, I remembered why I decided in the first place. My decision has nothing to do with you, or them or even that other side of me. It's a base knowledge. A peace in the still of my soul that says if I don't follow through with the decision, I won't live my best life. If I decide not to decide, I will I will be deciding to be shortchanged and enslaved by my own fears. 

I decide to move forward. I decide to love wholeheartedly. I decide to reach forth in faith and know all will be well. I decide to recognize fear, look it in the face and pack it in my purse if necessary, but move forward regardless.

I decide.

Singing for Jesus

There is nothing better in the world than having the opportunity to sing for Jesus. I'm so blessed that he chose me as a vessel that he can use. The funny thing is, I used to think that was it. I was a vessel to sing. But you know how the more you grow and get older, the more you know?? I'm a vessel for God's use in my everyday life. Whether it's singing, praying, teaching, or simply living, talking, being. This is all him. He does it all. He is all. He knows me, he loves me, and he puts me in the path of others to help or to be helped. To glean or to give. Isn't it great?

Ignored

I hate nothing more than being ignored. I cannot stand it. I exist. I'm valid. I have a mind, a heart, a presence and don't you forget it! :-)

What really bothers me about being ignored, is it's always the people you really want to pay attention to you that don't -- that boss, that friend, that guy.

But what has bugged me for the past 8 years is being ignored daily in Dallas.

I'm from Georgia you see, and I went to school in Florida.  Being a sistah who's "thick in the waist and cute in the face" was never a problem growing up. I was, at times, annoyed by the attention I received from men. Old, young, it didn't matter. This booty was pulling 'em! They'd lose their minds. They had to know me, touch me, be with me. The attention was pretty cool, if not creepy at times, but always constant.

But then I moved to Dallas. Contrary to popular belief, just because Dallas is in the southern portion of the United States, it is NOT the South. I cannot count the number of times I've gone out of the house drop dead gorgeous and not have one man approach, say hello, wave, gesture, shit, write a note. ANYTHING! I'm approachable. I smile (which I recently read black women don't often do and men think we're unapproachable because of that -- who knew!). I'm friendly. I've even approached them. No haps. They shoot me down horribly. It's very disconcerting.

I will never forget one night three years ago. I had a big fundraiser in downtown Dallas. My date (guy who escorts me to the society stuff, but doesn't like me "like that") cancelled on me. Hair done. Makeup professionally styled. Amazing dress. I go to the event, ready for a fun-filled night. I'm laughing, smiling, engaging. Kinda tired, drinking wine, laid back - not in your face.  No chivalry -- a man basically closed a door in my face. Not one guy even complimented me. I ate dinner, danced with my boss and went home. I leave more depressed than I had been in a while.

I got home, took off my earrings looked in the mirror and cried. Hard. I had never seen myself that beautiful -- it was my first professional makeup job after all...and I had no one to share my night with.

My life is funny like that. I live in the public eye, representing a multibillion dollar company. But personally, I feel like I am ignored and alone. It's a strange thing.

But thank God for the Atlanta airport. Every time I come home and land in Hartsfield-Jackson, it's as if somebody alerted the boys. The love me again. I'm revered again. I have proposals and free drinks and personal valets and escorts. I'm no longer annoyed. I'm the hot chick again. I'm the girl everyone wants to know. I exist. I'm valid. I have a mind, a heart a presence and they didn't forget!

That to me is one of the reasons why "there's no place like home." And why, come hell or high water, I'll be back soon.

Eating Instead

So I have a really cool job. A job that most people would die for. Yet, I'm unhappy. You look up one day and realize you have everything you've ever wanted -- only this isn't exactly what you want.

So what do you do? You've come so far to what? Start over? Switch lanes? The very thought makes my head hurt. But to not change lanes. To not strive for the next level of greatness is the worse fear. To be stuck in mediocrity. Forever. All because you were afraid to change. 

But what do I do next? How do I make this work? What's my next step? The questions come so fast and furious. Too detailed. Too many options. It makes my head hurt. So I just stop. Breathe. Eat.

Food doesn't ask questions. It doesn't require anything but chewing. You can do it mindlessly. You can enjoy the flavors, taste, texture, smell, sweet, salty joy that it provides. And when you finish, you are satisfied. You're full. There's an accomplishment. Even if that was all I accomplished for myself today, I accomplished that...

Yeah, I recognize that that's not the way I should handle things. But today, this day, I ate my feelings. And I had a lot of feelings. And now, just for now, I feel full. I'll deal with the real issues tomorrow. Because I've got to confront me. I've got to confront the fear. I've got to move ahead. And I will -- without the Cheetos this time.

Inspired to Begin

I am blessed with some of the coolest friends ever.

That's what happens when you attend Florida A&M University. You meet some of the best and brightest minds from all over the country. Everyone is intelligent. Everyone is the ultimate hustler. And then there was me.

I'm smart, but lazy. I went to school on a full scholarship, but hated going to class. And then I met my friends. I realized, if I was going to be "worthy" enough for them to call me their friend, I better begin to apply myself. No one wants a dumb friend.

It worked. My friends being on top of their games, pushed me to stay on top of mine. And here we are now - grown, accomplished, fighters, brave, scared, changing, maneuvering, living.

So, what's up with my blog? This blog will be my random thoughts. I could talk about the goodness of Jesus, public relations tactics, or dating life as a big girl in Dallas. If it inspires me, I will write it.

I'm excited. I'm nervous. I'm scared. I'm all these things because I don't have a filter. If I feel it, I feel it. I can't hide it. I can't deny it. I can't censor. So, you may get to know a little too much about me in this blog. But truly, I'm looking forward to it.

I say all the time that life and love are "for big girls only." Hence the name of the blog.

I look forward to the journey!