Singing for Jesus

There is nothing better in the world than having the opportunity to sing for Jesus. I'm so blessed that he chose me as a vessel that he can use. The funny thing is, I used to think that was it. I was a vessel to sing. But you know how the more you grow and get older, the more you know?? I'm a vessel for God's use in my everyday life. Whether it's singing, praying, teaching, or simply living, talking, being. This is all him. He does it all. He is all. He knows me, he loves me, and he puts me in the path of others to help or to be helped. To glean or to give. Isn't it great?

Ignored

I hate nothing more than being ignored. I cannot stand it. I exist. I'm valid. I have a mind, a heart, a presence and don't you forget it! :-)

What really bothers me about being ignored, is it's always the people you really want to pay attention to you that don't -- that boss, that friend, that guy.

But what has bugged me for the past 8 years is being ignored daily in Dallas.

I'm from Georgia you see, and I went to school in Florida.  Being a sistah who's "thick in the waist and cute in the face" was never a problem growing up. I was, at times, annoyed by the attention I received from men. Old, young, it didn't matter. This booty was pulling 'em! They'd lose their minds. They had to know me, touch me, be with me. The attention was pretty cool, if not creepy at times, but always constant.

But then I moved to Dallas. Contrary to popular belief, just because Dallas is in the southern portion of the United States, it is NOT the South. I cannot count the number of times I've gone out of the house drop dead gorgeous and not have one man approach, say hello, wave, gesture, shit, write a note. ANYTHING! I'm approachable. I smile (which I recently read black women don't often do and men think we're unapproachable because of that -- who knew!). I'm friendly. I've even approached them. No haps. They shoot me down horribly. It's very disconcerting.

I will never forget one night three years ago. I had a big fundraiser in downtown Dallas. My date (guy who escorts me to the society stuff, but doesn't like me "like that") cancelled on me. Hair done. Makeup professionally styled. Amazing dress. I go to the event, ready for a fun-filled night. I'm laughing, smiling, engaging. Kinda tired, drinking wine, laid back - not in your face.  No chivalry -- a man basically closed a door in my face. Not one guy even complimented me. I ate dinner, danced with my boss and went home. I leave more depressed than I had been in a while.

I got home, took off my earrings looked in the mirror and cried. Hard. I had never seen myself that beautiful -- it was my first professional makeup job after all...and I had no one to share my night with.

My life is funny like that. I live in the public eye, representing a multibillion dollar company. But personally, I feel like I am ignored and alone. It's a strange thing.

But thank God for the Atlanta airport. Every time I come home and land in Hartsfield-Jackson, it's as if somebody alerted the boys. The love me again. I'm revered again. I have proposals and free drinks and personal valets and escorts. I'm no longer annoyed. I'm the hot chick again. I'm the girl everyone wants to know. I exist. I'm valid. I have a mind, a heart a presence and they didn't forget!

That to me is one of the reasons why "there's no place like home." And why, come hell or high water, I'll be back soon.

Eating Instead

So I have a really cool job. A job that most people would die for. Yet, I'm unhappy. You look up one day and realize you have everything you've ever wanted -- only this isn't exactly what you want.

So what do you do? You've come so far to what? Start over? Switch lanes? The very thought makes my head hurt. But to not change lanes. To not strive for the next level of greatness is the worse fear. To be stuck in mediocrity. Forever. All because you were afraid to change. 

But what do I do next? How do I make this work? What's my next step? The questions come so fast and furious. Too detailed. Too many options. It makes my head hurt. So I just stop. Breathe. Eat.

Food doesn't ask questions. It doesn't require anything but chewing. You can do it mindlessly. You can enjoy the flavors, taste, texture, smell, sweet, salty joy that it provides. And when you finish, you are satisfied. You're full. There's an accomplishment. Even if that was all I accomplished for myself today, I accomplished that...

Yeah, I recognize that that's not the way I should handle things. But today, this day, I ate my feelings. And I had a lot of feelings. And now, just for now, I feel full. I'll deal with the real issues tomorrow. Because I've got to confront me. I've got to confront the fear. I've got to move ahead. And I will -- without the Cheetos this time.

Inspired to Begin

I am blessed with some of the coolest friends ever.

That's what happens when you attend Florida A&M University. You meet some of the best and brightest minds from all over the country. Everyone is intelligent. Everyone is the ultimate hustler. And then there was me.

I'm smart, but lazy. I went to school on a full scholarship, but hated going to class. And then I met my friends. I realized, if I was going to be "worthy" enough for them to call me their friend, I better begin to apply myself. No one wants a dumb friend.

It worked. My friends being on top of their games, pushed me to stay on top of mine. And here we are now - grown, accomplished, fighters, brave, scared, changing, maneuvering, living.

So, what's up with my blog? This blog will be my random thoughts. I could talk about the goodness of Jesus, public relations tactics, or dating life as a big girl in Dallas. If it inspires me, I will write it.

I'm excited. I'm nervous. I'm scared. I'm all these things because I don't have a filter. If I feel it, I feel it. I can't hide it. I can't deny it. I can't censor. So, you may get to know a little too much about me in this blog. But truly, I'm looking forward to it.

I say all the time that life and love are "for big girls only." Hence the name of the blog.

I look forward to the journey!