Choices

I'm learning something about myself. Sometimes, it's hard to simply stay true to what you want. It's an awesome thing to have options. It reminds you how blessed you are to live in this country where freedom is attainable. I can be educated. I can be successful. I can be. Whatever. So here are these options. And they are all great options. But what do I want? I mean really. What do I want? And what am I willing to do to obtain that? How do I allow myself to not be persuaded by the options but stick to my guns? My destiny.  I haven't figured it all out yet. But I'm getting closer daily.

Resurrection

Today is Easter. Resurrection Sunday.

I woke up after sleeping for 11 hours and decided to go to church. I've just been tired lately. So busy with life. But I decided to go to church anyway. You know what I realized, church is great. There's nothing better than fellowshipping with the saints. But you know what, I'm ok when I just praise him in bed, at home. My daily conversations are wonderful blessings for me. Me and Jesus alone is alright with me.

But back to the conversation at hand. Resurrection. God has resurrected my dreams and ideas for myself lately. I'm back to just feeling like I'll be able to do me from here on out. I've talked to people. I have new opportunities lining up. I start my Masters in May. I'll get closer to my family.  I'm just excited.

Lord, thanks for bringing my dreams to life again.

Off the Bus

I was sick for a week. Literally sick. I couldn't breathe. I couldn't think. I couldn't really do anything. I muddled through work until my body just said "no." I slept. I felt badly. When I feel like that, I just want a little support from the people I love. Well, let me be honest. I want it from the person I love.

Just check on me. Make sure I'm breathing and alive. Tell me you hope I feel better. Tell me you love me. Just general sayings that let me know you're there. Yeah. That's love to me. Unfortunately, I didn't get that. Many calls, texts, FB IM attempts, and nothing. Never heard back from him. 

You know what that means to me? You don't have my back. I can't depend on you. It's bad enough you didn't check on me, but then you also didn't return my calls. So, I'm not on your "to do" list. I have no priority in your life. So, I have to be real with myself and let it go.

The truth is, I'm a 31 year old woman who wants to be married and have at least one beautiful baby. Preferably a girl.  Being honest with myself, I realize that I make decisions to stay in situations that aren't quite right for a bit too long because I'm holding out for the dream. I WANT it to work. Because I DO love you. I  actually care about you. And, I don't do that easily. I don't let people into my circle often.  And you know that about me. And, yes, I'm getting older. And unfortunately, I no longer believe that there's just another love bus right around the corner. I think you have to be in the right place at the right time, because buses do stop running. And they often stop running when you need one the most.

But either way, I have to get off this particular bus. I have to let it go. It's taking me down the wrong path. I gave up depression a long time ago. I can't willingly hitch a ride that's headed toward destruction. So, thanks for the ride. There were a lot of fun times. I have no regrets. 

But damn, I really hoped that would be my last ride...

This Little Light

Jesus never ceases to amaze me. I mean, for real.  

Every time I get a little low. Whenever my way seems cloudy and confused. Whenever I'm just wallowing and drowning in my own thoughts, he simply shines a little light.

Just a little glimmer of hope to press me forward, to move me along. A little flicker to let me know he heard my cry.

That's why I love him. Just because with all the things going on in the world, he simply has time to hear me.

I'm in love with Jesus. I'm grateful that through his death I can have life and light -- eternally.

The LA Effect

I recently took an amazing trip to LA. 

One great part about the trip was that my plane had wheels up from a foot of snow in Dallas, and I landed in 80-degree LA weather. The sun was shining, and everyone knows I thrive in sun. I felt like I got my groove back.

I worked out with Richard Simmons, whom I've loved since I was a kid. Yes, he's a big caricature, but he is fabulous. You've got to give it to a man who is paid handsomely for just being himself.

So I'm having this amazing dinner with these beautiful, amazingly smart, talented, single black women. They live in LA. They all came to the city with dreams. They're living them out to an extent, but no one is making money. No one is thriving to the point they want to thrive. And they're at a crossroads of stay and keep fighting the fight; or throw in the towel and leave.

What a conundrum. I mean what do you do?? Do you keep fighting against all odds? Or do you accept that you've done the most you can do and it's time for a new dream? And if you settle for a new dream, will you ever be fulfilled?

I guess for me, I've got to just keep going after the dream. Whatever the dream is. It's my dream. God knows it. He placed it inside me. I have to trust that he will open the doors needed to fulfill it. 

Keep pushing ladies.

Snow Day

Dallas, Texas had a record snow day today. 9 inches and counting. The most snow ever.

I look outside and it's absolutely beautiful. 

But then I realize I don't need to drive the hour to work. And even if I want to I can't get out of the driveway. And what about that flight tomorrow? Snow is creating complications.

But at the end of the day, I lay in my warm bed, while the snow falls outside, and I realize how very blessed I am.  I worked from home. I never had to leave. My home is comfortably heated. Food was stocked in the fridge and pantry. God is good. Life is great. There is no downside. I can just enjoy the snow, and pray it melts before my flight in the morning. :-)

Passed

God is so great. Today I passed my test. My really big, daunting, stressful GRE. I'm so grateful. For the past three or four months, I have diligently studied. I prayed. I cried. 

I realized I didn't know math. At all. Like I couldn't add. I couldn't subtract, multiply, divide, figure out percentages, ratios or the hypotenuse of the right triangle. But I could study. I could pray. I could hold God at his Word for my life.

So I took the test today. And I was nervous, but I was at peace. I knew his will would be done. And guess what??? I PASSED!!!

Not only did I get the score I needed, but I exceeded it greatly. I even ended up with a higher math score than verbal score.  Isn't that just like our God??? I did my part. I studied. I showed up to the fight. But He worked it out for my good. He gets all the praise.

Faith without works is dead. Faith with works is a miracle!